My friendship with Lone Heron has blossomed into something special, something which appears will benefit a growing number of young people who have been driven to the act of parricide, but which the System fails to understand as only she can.
After a couple of years of phone calls and many relational ups and downs, Lone Heron has become my trusted partner in this strange mission of comforting the parricide. What this may lead to is anybody’s guess, but Lone Heron and I have the ineffable feeling that we are meant to be on this path together, and that it is leading to something significant.
She sent me this letter which is going out soon to all our parricides, and I am sharing it with you now. A short while ago, I wrote to several of our parricides to test the notion that autobiographical writing could be the route to Redemption and Healing for them, and the initial response is encouraging. They are willing to try it.
So Lone Heron is heading up this project with the goal in mind of preventing future acts of desperation, as yet in the making. I thought you would be interested in this nascent initiative.
I received your information from either Dan Dailey or Mary Ellen Johnson.
I am writing you today because I have an interest in children who commit parricide, because I did the same at the age of 18 yrs old. I am now 47 years old. Unlike you, I am on the outside of prison. I have spent the last 23 yrs dedicated to healing from the events of my childhood that led up to the fateful day where I took the gun and shot both my mother and step-father.
I personally do not believe that we, the children of parricide, are the real killers. I believe the real killers were our parents. Had I not killed my parents I am quite sure they would have eventually killed me. If not that day then another, as their assaults were getting worse and leaving me more and more damaged.
I tried many times to get help, but I was told I was silly, ridiculous, and I didn’t know how good I had it among many other lies that were inaccurate perceptions held by outsiders and even close family.
Like you, I endured. At first I ran from myself and the truth. I denied. I lied. And somehow by the grace of God, two trials and two years of being poked and prodded by the legal system, and I was physically free but I was an emotional basket case, and I spent a few years wasting myself on drink and drugs before one day I woke up and realized I needed to make some serious changes and starting with cleaning up my life.
I dropped the booze and drugs and went to school and became a massage therapist- from there for the past 23 years I have focused on healing both myself and others when and where I can.
I have had more therapy than I can shake a stick at. I have studied different religions, sought many different alternative healers to help me deal with the torment from my childhood that still replayed in my head for many years. I endured nightmares where once again my mother was beating me or trying to.
Her voice continued to pop up in the most insidious ways replaying her negative commentary in my daily life.
Somewhere along the way all the therapy started working and I was inspired to write a book and tell the whole truth, something I had been too afraid to do during the trials. In the process of writing my book I started looking to see if I could find others who had committed this same atrocity. I found Mary Ellen from the Pendulum Foundation, who introduced me to Dan Dailey with The Redemption Project. I published my book and took to writing blogs for a while, trying to help others understand the situation of parricide: the kids are not murders but rather some of the greatest survivors. The parents are actually the murders but do it in such a slow insidious way no one realizes or wants to realize what is happening until the explosion occurs.
In Mary Ellen’s book, The Murder of Jacob, she wrote and told the story of Jacob Ind and how he had come to be in the parricide group.
After reading this book I was astounded at some of the similarity in programming that our respective parent groups seemed to demonstrate despite the fact that they were on opposite sides of the united states and ten or so years apart in occurrence.
I would love to hear your stories and see what commonalities in negative treatment and in particular verbal treatment we share. In Jacob’s story I found similar personality traits and actions exhibited by his parents as by mine even though I am female.
I believe there is essentially a recipe that creates parricides and if we can hone in on this by comparing elements of speech and mannerism in deeper detail perhaps this would help the public take these situations more seriously and intervene.
I would encourage you to write your life story. Write down everything you can remember… I did this. When I finished 4 months later I had 600 pages which then, over the next year, I reduced (as some of it I had repeated), cleaned up, polished and edited to turn into a 300 page book titled Inherited Rage which is now available to the public.
In the process of doing this something happened and I have had no more nightmares, no more headaches, and my mother’s nagging voice seems to have transferred from my head to the pages of Inherited Rage… a much better place than my head!
I would like to do another book showing how this incident has specific triggers that a successful parent would avoid.
If enough similarities can be drawn, perhaps this might somehow help change things for you that are incarcerated as well as for others who are coming down the same path behind us.
I cannot write the book without hearing your stories without prompting or putting words in your mouth or asking specific questions- I believe if you volunteer in your words, in your recitals I will find actions and verbiage that are almost exact in delivery. Through these small details of your life I believe I can draw up a profile that fits parents who are so abusive they drive their children to kill out of self defense just to survive. I believe everyone has a breaking point most are fortunately never pushed to that extreme. But for those of us who have been, if we can help another to avoid which we could not I believe it aids in the redemption of our own courage and self worth.
There is not much I can do for each of you but I am anointing these letters with rose oil. I know prison stinks and this will give you just a little something nice to enjoy from x to x. If you fold this letter, return to its envelope and store in a book, the scent will last much longer.
Rose oil is said to have one of the highest energetic frequencies of all oils. The scent alone helps to heal the wounded heart.
I have found rose oil for this purpose to be very comforting I have read that the saints’ bodies all smelled of rose even in death–their angelic holy deeds opening their heart literally as a rose opens and disperses–so did the saints.
I hope this scent brings comfort to you as it has for me.
I hope to hear from you, in the meantime hold a strong faith and know their are others on the outside who do fight for you. Although change is often slow to come persistence eventually will yield results if you just never give up, or at least I have found this to be true for me and can think of no reason why it cant be so for you as well, despite the fact of incarceration.
The one who thinks he can is the one that will. So stay positive in your thoughts and when those inner voices start yelling. Start writing. This will help to get them to eventually shut up totally. At least it has worked for me.
Sincerely with great empathy,
Groove of the Day
Sorry, still waiting for the new speakers; so I still cannot make my selection.