According to my friend Lone Heron, one of the greatest issues parricides face is learning not only to making it alone in the world, but feeling comfortable with being alone.
All of us are born and die alone, but for someone who has experienced childhood abandonment, the truth of this reality must seem unnatural indeed. They look around, see “everybody” in relationship with somebody else, and think this is the natural state of humanity. It isn’t. Whether or not we share our lives with another, we are all alone.
I think the reason so many relationships go south is because we try to rely on others for things that are really our personal responsibility. For the parricide who is coping with the role he/she has played in the removal of a parent, however abusive, this state of affairs is truly confusing.
In adulthood, these early-childhood experiences result in fear of being abandoned by the significant people in one’s life. While some degree of abandonment fear may be a normal part of being human, when the fear of abandonment is severe, frequent, and impossible to comfort, it can cause significant impairment, particularly with regard to developing healthy relationships.
According to the website GoodTherapy.org: “A person who has experienced abandonment as a child is likely to encounter long-term psychological challenges, based primarily on the fear that abandonment will recur. For example, a child who was physically abandoned by a parent or caregiver may struggle with mood swings or anger throughout life, and these behaviors may alienate potential intimate partners and friends. When a child does not receive adequate emotional support from a parent, perhaps due to the parent’s own psychological issues, the child may not develop healthy self-esteem. People with low self-esteem often seek out partners and friends who reinforce those negative beliefs. Abandonment fears can impair a person’s ability to trust others, feel worthy, or experience intimacy, and may cause a person to struggle with anxiety, depression, co-dependence, or other difficulties.”
Many people pursue therapy in order to address issues that have resulted from experiences of abandonment. Sometimes, in the process of addressing a person’s present psychological problem, therapy reveals that the source of the issue is in fact trauma associated with childhood abandonment… the past, not necessarily the future.
I am not a big fan of therapists. I think that many of them foster co-dependency; their livelihoods depend on people remaining screwed-up for a period of time. In a safe setting, I believe that anyone can learn to separate fears resulting from the past from the present, setting the stage for cognitive transformation so that they can develop more positive reactions and realistic expectations for their lives.
Healing occurs when people begin to recognize that their fears are rooted in the past and develop the ability to minimize the way fear controls their emotional responses to current relationships and events.
Groove of the Day
78° and Clear