death anniversary

 Anniversary of the Day I Killed my Parents

It’s coming up on 27 years since that fateful June evening when I pulled the trigger and my parents passed into the spirit realm.

If my mother were alive today I wonder whether she would have learned a different way? Would she have treated me more lovingly, or would she have remained that abusive control freak—trapping me in endless cycles of unrealized continuance and projection?

I have forgiven her because I do believe that she really did intend to do her best for me; she just didn’t understand how to go about imparting that message in a human fashion. At least that’s what I choose to believe.

It’s preferable to believe that way even if it is wrapped in pieces of denial. I say this because to even begin to believe that is true, I have to forget about the times my mother yelled and screamed, telling me how she hated me and never wanted me while pulling hair, slapping, and hitting. Plus she may have been telling me her truth in that moment.

Not once did she ever apologize for her torture. But  she did  at least make sure I was fed, clothed, and got an education—which has been the necessary ingredient for me to unravel my nightmare in order to be here writing you today.

It is easier for me to say she was sick as opposed to just plain mean. I choose to believe based on certain things I have learned to be true.

Let me explain. The liver is the organ which generates frustration, irritability, argumentativeness, anger, and rage. It was one of the organs in which my mother’s cancer originated.  I know that the liver operates at its peak between 1:00 and 3:00 am, and that you should be asleep by 11:00 pm for it to do its job properly. Was my mother’s liver further irritated because she worked mid-crew shift and was never asleep when her liver would have been at its peak function?

I know blood sugar, which is affected by how well the liver converts sugars to glycogen, can also create anger issues in people. For me personally, bringing that back into balance with food and exercise greatly reduced my own anger levels.

I think you get the picture, and that is one piece of many that moved me from a place of hating my parents to  appreciating them and giving thanks for what they did provide.  It does not make my parents’ torture acceptable—but it does make their actions more understandable and therefore easier to forgive.

Especially when you bring alcohol into the parricide equation.

For parents who already have stress and seek consolation through alcohol, the side effects of liquor warp their mind, body, and soul while aggravating the already stressed liver into overdrive. That deadly combination inevitably increases the rage. When that happens their unfortunate victims, their children, understand it’s time to disappear.

Once upon a time alcohol was called spirits. It was said that such beverages weaken the individual’s consciousness to the point that negative entities could step in and direct the body as the temporary designated driver….so to speak. Based on some of my experiences with alcohol in my early twenties I believe that to be correct. Which is one of the reasons I rarely drink.

I wonder what Jacob Ind, whose stepfather was enslaved by alcohol, and other abused kids who kill their parents think of their parents. Do they have forgiveness for them? For themselves?  Have they contemplated things as I have, or have their thoughts taken a different path?

Perhaps one day I will have the opportunity to speak to others who have experienced the same nightmare. Only time will tell what the future holds for me—and for those like Jacob.

~ Lone Heron

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“Lone Heron” is the pen-name of a remarkable survivor who killed her abusive parents 27 years ago but who, unlike most kids involved in parricide, kept absolutely silent and was acquitted of the double homicide. Far from getting off “scot free,” Lone Heron has spent her whole life after the acquittal healing and rehabilitating herself. She works today as a licensed massage therapist and alternative health care practitioner.

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Groove of the Day 

Listen to Patty Griffin performing “Forgiveness”

 

Inherited Rage, Lone Heron’s story of abuse, death, and redemption, can be purchased at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_14?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=inherited+rage&sprefix=inherited+rage%2Cstripbooks%2C388

Please sign Jacob Ind’s petition:
http://www.change.org/petitions/free-jacob-ind-and-other-abused-kids